| Putting the dreams away. |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|02:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
I think I became an adult on November 6th, 2009. Well, at least I'm going to say that was a defining point where my direction has changed. Interviews, visiting with a good friend, exploring areas of Austin, TX that I have never seen. Realizing the next morning, that I will have to change the way I spend my time and money. Making decisions because they are wise, and not because they are fun....
I'm starting to put the dreams away. They're in a little box in the closet. Sure, I can take them out and look at them, remember how much joy they used to bring me. But, now realizing that they are just dreams and never will sprout into reality. Sure, it might be a little sad, but in contrast, those dreams don't seem so important anymore.
Sometimes, you have to take 2 or 3 steps backwards, so you can find your bearings. That way you can make 1 step in the right direction. Sure, it might be a setback, but isn't it better to have a setback, but be going in the right direction, instead of going down the wrong direction, hoping it gets better, or you find a shortcut to the right way?
I just know that everything that has happened to me in the past 365 days has really changed me. Or maybe I changed, and now have a different perspective on the past 365 days? Who knows.
What I know is this: I am ready for a new way of doing things. Maybe I'm ready to grow up. |
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| Strange day |
[Aug. 12th, 2009|10:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Today was a strange day. Right now I'm sitting at my computer, drinking a bottle of cheap wine, and pondering.
I just look over the various points in my life, and try to figure out when was the best point. I don't think now is the best point. I think I was in a better place before now. Honestly, the best point in my life would have to be between October 2003 and February 2004.
Now why those dates you ask? Those times were by no means easy. No, they were quite challenging! But they were true and good. I was free then. I had a zeal for life like never before. I made so many friends that I still have, and was living in a city that I liked, and had a car that I liked, and didn't owe anyone thousands of dollars.
So what about today? Well, it's been over 5 years since February 2004, and in that time, I've managed to make countless expensive mistakes, and haven't really managed to make any progress at all. Sure, I have nicer things now, but it seems like every dollar that I make, belongs to someone else and not me. Credit cards, bank notes, insurance, bills, rent. If I would have had the income I have now, back in
February of 2004, I would have felt so wealthy. Now I just feel like I'm sucked dry, and people around me take an emotional toll on me, and I'm never really happy.
I was told by my boss's wife that I never smile at work. I never really thought about it until she mentioned it. I wonder why that is. Am I perpetually in a bad mood? I want to get back to those freedom days. Those days when I didn't owe people money and I lived to placed I liked. |
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| I miss this |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|10:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
I miss using live journal. I really do. Does anyone really use this that much anymore? I think I'm going to try to post more often now. It's interesting to go back and read all the things I used to think.
I remember when everyone would post on livejournal, you know, before myspace and facebook. I mean, it's like a journal, but also a blog. But you actually had to write stuff and read stuff, and people would share their thoughts. It was great. I'm going to use this more. |
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| Unexpected |
[Oct. 19th, 2008|01:44 am] |
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I miss my friend. For a while I completely stopped thinking about it, but now I think about it every day. I wonder what is after death. |
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| A strange mood... |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|01:23 am] |
So I'm in a strange mood....
I haven't really posted much in any kind of blog / online socializing system, etc in a while....I kinda miss my old job at the Pizza place. I kinda miss my friend who passed away earlier this year, I wish I didn't have to wake up tomorrow, only to go to work to hear about people's problems. I wish I could just have balance, and peace, and contentment. I hope I can't realize that someday soon..... |
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| NYC? |
[May. 11th, 2008|02:37 am] |
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I have this strange desire to live in New York City. |
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| Gone Country |
[Nov. 3rd, 2007|12:17 am] |
So today I got to see Brad Paisley in concert. I'm not generally a country music fan, but a friend of mine had an extra ticket, so I decided to go. The show as pretty good.
Lately I've been giving a lot of thought to the path I should take in the future...........
the filmmaker path
the finish college path
the work my butt off path
I'll summarize....
The filmmaker path.......
work at apple while making short films with the money I'm making at apple. Try to develop my skills, and eventally write a good script that someone would finance for me to produce.
The finish college path.....
Drop my second job, and start going to college next semester. finish in 4 years, then maybe move to Japan and teach english. Maybe eventually become a professor.
The work my butt off path.....
Keep working both jobs that I have, focus on getting out of debt, maybe eventually managing another restaurant for Jason, or move up with Apple.
There are pros and cons to both which I could go into detail. Maybe I'll break it down some more next week. |
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| Interesting.... |
[Oct. 28th, 2007|09:16 am] |
I had an interesting dream last night.....
I was building a house, and while I was building this house, I was working on the music to a project. This project involved a series of images with words, and this words went with the music.....
And it took place in the future. |
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| A different day |
[Oct. 27th, 2007|09:57 am] |
So, I haven't posted in a while. I'm going to try to start posting more frequently again. I've been working about 53 hours a week, so that has kept me busy, but this last week, I've been slacking. I've also been on a pretty strict budget, but for some reason, this week I've just been spending money like there is no tomorrow.
lately I've been giving a lot of thought to the future, but the shorter term future. What I'll spend my time doing the next 6 months or so. Trying to decide how to position myself to go in a direction I'll enjoy. As I've started to get older, the things I want to do with my life have begun to shift. And the thing is, if I decided to go to college to get a degree, would my life goals change by the time I finished, and realized what I was already doing I was happy with. I don't know......
I do know that I want to move back to Dallas. That's the one thing I know for sure. |
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| Film School |
[Sep. 19th, 2007|11:28 pm] |
So, I decided to research some film schools.
American Film Institute - 2 year program $121,426
Los Angeles Film School - 1 year program $38,210
Now the question is.......do you really have to spend this much money to learn how to make movies. Maybe I could take $40,000 and make a movie with that money. Or maybe it's worth it. I don't know. I just know I want to make movies. I want to be a Director of Photography. |
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| Thoughts...... |
[Sep. 17th, 2007|01:21 am] |
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I miss California. I wish I was there now. Maybe someday I'll make it back. |
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| California |
[Sep. 13th, 2007|09:41 pm] |
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For some reason...I have this strange desire to move to California. Not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because of my trip to LA in July. That was one of the coolest things I had ever done. Maybe it's because my trainer at work is from Califorinia, and the company I work for has its headquarters in California. Maybe it's the amazing weather out there. And ever since I've come back, I realize how much the weather sucks here. Maybe it's the lifestyle of people out there....who seem to be more health concious, and are more active. Maybe I'm just overly capricious. |
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| Restless night |
[Sep. 11th, 2007|01:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
I can't sleep....
It's a combination of the uncomfortable hotel bed, and the wearisome thoughts going through my head. After I'm done here in Austin, I will have spent nearly 40 days of this year staying in hotels. Many of those days were invested in a career that is now growing dim. And now I'm investing in a new career. This might be the best thing that ever happened to me. But for some reason I can't let go of the past.
Invested so much of myself into my past career, it's hard just to let it all go. Maybe it was a bad investment. Like buy stock in a company that loses most of it's value. You still hold on to the stock in hopes that it will go back up in value, and you won't lose it all. It's also an emotional investment. To personally work at something that gets taken away, with no hope of ever seeing it again. Years possibly lost for naught.
And maybe it's the fact that this new way will compromise my freedom. Remembering time when I could set my own schedule, and have the freedom to come and go at will. Maybe it's fear that this new way will change me forever, and do I want to become the product of such a life. Maybe I'm just holding on to a strand of hope that something out there will make me who I've always wanted to be.......
Maybe, someday, I'll discover who I've always wanted to be.
I hope I get some sleep tonight. |
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| A sad reality |
[Sep. 5th, 2007|11:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
I have recieved reports confirming this sad truth.......Richardson Square Mall has been amost entirely demolished. The only thing standing is Sears, Target, and a small part of the wing near Target.
I know a lot of people loved going to the Cyber Zone at Richardson, and I loved working there.....it's been good. |
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| When you don't need it |
[Sep. 5th, 2007|12:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Duran Duran - Ordinary World | ] |
So, when I finally get a job, other opportunities show up. But I've already committed to this new career. And then you have to wonder, what is the purpose. What is the source of joy for me. Although, I find joy the various life moments, I rarely find job in simply being. And sometimes I wonder if I will ever know a perpetual joy, or am I destined to a life of momentary joy, and even momentary purpose. And why is everything I want always what I don't have? And then my desires are reversed, and I wish I still have what I had, now that I have what I wanted. And it's so simple.
And it's so easy to blame the conditions. And then define optimal conditions of which you wish to achieve. After time has passed, and these optimal conditions still haven't been met, you realize maybe those conditions weren't realistic. So, you trim, and reduce, but unfortunately, you have to overcompensate for choices you made based on your skewed perception. Eventally you realize that where you were was better than you are now, but it didn't seem so at the time (because you hadn't met those optimal conditions at the time), but now you can't get back to where you were. It's impossible.
So now you know that, even though the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, by the time you find a way to get to the other side, someone has already eaten the grass you wanted. Then when you go back to your old grass patch, someone decided to make that grassy patch into a pond, because they didn't think you needed their grass anymore. So now you have to learn to like eating something else. Oh, you miss eating that old grass you had, even though at the time, it didn't seem good enough for you. You just wish you could taste that grass again, but it's impossible, beacuse where you used to dine on delicious grass.....is now water. And you might be able to drink the water, but you're still really hungry.... |
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| The Big D |
[Aug. 31st, 2007|09:29 am] |
Once again I am going through Dallas withdrawals. I really wish I was still living there. The good news is I got a new job working for a major computer company who has a large chain of retail stores. At least I have a job again, but I wish it was in Dallas. So far the job has been pretty good. I'm still training for the next several weeks though. Not really sure how long I'm going to stay with this job, but I guess I'll have to see how I like it.
Dallas...................... :-( |
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| My New Endevor.... |
[Aug. 28th, 2007|02:32 am] |
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My next challenge in life......I'm going to learn 日本語 (Japanese) |
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| Where are you going |
[Aug. 17th, 2007|09:59 am] |
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking. I wonder if I should try to find a real job, or wait for Cyber Town to reopen. I've considered trying to find a job in Dallas or Austin, but I don't have a degree or anything.....so I've also thought about finishing college, but I can't really afford it right now.
Then there is Los Angeles......maybe I should move out there and try to get into the film business. I did my recon trip out there a month ago, and it was awesome. But the big "mill stone around my neck" is all my debt. I have some pretty good connections out there, and I could probably get some sort of work out there, but I think I would probably run out of money...
What is the right balance of dreams and reality? |
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| English |
[Aug. 12th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
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I was thinking.......it might be cool to go to a foriegn country to teach English. I love languages. |
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